if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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