Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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