Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
