I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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