i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
