Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
