We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
