Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
