apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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