my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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