she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
