Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i think i have herpe
just one?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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