I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
