I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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