My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
