Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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