So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
