I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She told me I should be a condom model.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
