I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize