OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
