my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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