I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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