I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
