The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
