Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize