She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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