ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
