I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it's like iHOP with fire
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she peed on how many people?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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