I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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