My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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