I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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