I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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