It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my shit smells like andre
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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