first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize