Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
