so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
