I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
