so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
