I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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