I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
