Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
