I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Someone came in the potted fern
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
