Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
