i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
