i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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