I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize