i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
