3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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