I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
