we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
