and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize