I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
