nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
