I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
