My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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