get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
