i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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