is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
