Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
