What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
