she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize