so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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