In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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