What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
