It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
